Big Damn Switch
by Kaylee Tam
Summary: All of the members of Serenity find themselves swapped! As in, bodies for minds. Who is who, and why? We don't know. I don't even know. Funness ensues.
1. Mal

**Yes, I am reposting the revised BDS. This one is better, and most of all, I am trying a new technique  
This fic is going to be FAN-DRIVEN. That means I am going to post all 8 intro chapters about each character waking up in their new body, but after that, YOU GUYS decide what happens. This is mainly because I've failed to come up with any kind of plot. Throw any ideas at me, any you like, any and all, and I'll see if I can make them happen. I have already written the 8 intro chapters and I know who is going to be in which body, and I actually have something important in store for Mal but that can just happen while whatever you guys come up with is going on.**

**Basically, while you are reading this fic, think of things you want to see happen later. In the end this fic might not even make sense, but the point is to have fun. I am completely dependent on you, as the reader, to tell me what to write. Seriously, I don't even know what to do with them to get them out of their freaking bunks.**

Disclaimer, blah blah blah, jossy, blah blah blah. (Translated: Firefly and all its characters belong to Joss Whedon and his fantastic mind.) (Translated into Kianese: Gotrgau smf saa oyd vjstsvjyrtd nrapmh yp Kpdd Ejrfpm smf jod gsmysdyov zomf.)

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**Mal**

_I have a headache. I don't want to wake up yet._

_We're still in deep space, aren't we. There's less jobs for a captain to do then you'd think when he's still drifting in the black. Planetside, sure, there's having to account for the passengers and crewmates and such, and you have to take care of jobs and payment and all sorts of things. But when he's out in the black, there's really not much to do besides occasionally tell someone to do something._

_People never really realize that._

_So... yep, I still have a headache. But I really should wake up some time or other, headache or not. I am the captain, after all._

_Ugh._

I opened my eyes first. Before anything else, I opened my eyes. Moving about when your eyes are closed is a bad idea, take it from me.

But what I saw when I opened my eyes, wasn't the dark grey ceiling of my bunk. Instead I saw a light and cheery color. Cream, or eggshell, or some such.

Then I turned to sit up in my bed. Now talk about confusing. Firstly, my limbs were strangely light and took no effort to move about. Secondly, I recognized my surroundings as a passenger dorm. Thirdly, I could have sworn something long and black dangled in front of my face.

I tried to focus on the long, black, stringy thing hanging in front of my face, but it was too close and it hurt my eyes. I reached up my hand to feel it. Hair? I pulled on it.

"Ow."

My voice was too light and felt strange coming up my throat. I looked at my hand and it was slender, clean, and small. What in the 'verse was going on?

I stood up, finding that 'up' wasn't much of an operative word. I needed a mirror, or something. What happened to me? I took a few hurried steps to the doorway.

Whoa. Fast, swift, and very very unclumsy. What was that hitting my legs? I looked down. Oh, just a nightgown.

Wait, a nightgown?

I looked at my hands again, then at my bare feet. I recognized those hands, those feet. I felt the hair again. I recognized that hair. I recognized that nightgown.

River?

What was River doing to me? How could she... what was she...

Wait, stop, back up. River wasn't doing anything to me. It was a question of what I was doing to River. Or...

Hadn't I read a book about something like this before? Two people have a big fight. They say things like, 'You don't know how hard it is to be me.' Then, poof, next day, they become each other.

But that's science fiction. And, I hadn't had any kind of fight with River about anything. Then what was I doing... in...

That was it. That's what happened. I was in River's body. It was the only explanation.

It was a creepy one, though.

If I was in her body, then wouldn't she be...

I sprinted as fast as her little body could, which was on the verge of unnatural, to the crew quarters. I opened my bunk and descended the ladder with an unmanly grace to land on the floor with no onomatopoeia to speak of. I turned to my bed to see...

Me.

I was laying, in my bed, snoring, and... yep, drooling on the pillow. What was River doing...?

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**Okay, remember people, this story has no plot. That's what you guys are for.**

Lookie what we have down here. A review button! Push it...


	2. Zoe

**Zoe**

Talk about groggy.

When I woke up, I could barely open my eyes. I was too tired to move. Usually, I was up like a shot, ready to work. Maybe someone doped me. But why, and for how long?

I opened my eyes. This took a lot of work, being so tired. I stared at my bunk ceiling, trying to get my brain to start working. The first thing I noticed was Wash, or rather, his absence. I tried to roll towards his side of the bed.

I woke up with a jolt, resulting from my hard impact with the metal floor. I began to see more clearly and my thoughts started processing more easily. I lifted myself from the ground and shook my head, blinking.

The first thing I saw clearly was a large, pink, ruffly dress.

_?_ was all I thought.

I stood up straight and shook my head again. It seemed to help. I walked over to the compact sink to splash water on my face, then leaned on it and stared into the mirror.

That's when I realized I must've still been dreaming. I could've sworn I saw Kaylee in the mirror instead of me. I frowned. So did she. I scratched my nose. So did she.

I turned around, feeling the mechanisms in my brain start to operate correctly. Then, I noticed I was in Kaylee's bunk. _How did I get in here?_ I wondered, looking around. "Honey?" I called for Wash.

That was strange.

When I had called for Wash, the sound I expected to hear wasn't the one that I heard. What I expected to hear was a hard voice, one toned with experience, one that I was used to. What I heard was a voice that sounded light and bouncy, and... familliar...

Kaylee? Yes, it was Kaylee's voice. "Honey?" I called again, softer. Definitely Kaylee's voice.

I looked at my hands. They were a lighter color than my usual ones, and covered with calluses and tiny scars. I looked down at my legs, and brown hair fell in front of my face. Brown hair, but a lighter brown than my own. _What's going on?_

I was still a little groggy and my feet shuffled a little, but I managed to climb out of Kaylee's bunk and into the metal hallway. I smiled, and realized that I was relieved to see something normal, constant. I heard Mal's ladder close, and wondered why it had opened.

I found my own bunk and opened it, climbing down. I don't know what I expected to see, but for some reason what I did see surprised me.

I saw me, and Wash, sleeping. His arm was over me, and we were snuggled close together. I didn't know what to think.


	3. Simon

**Remember, fan-based fic! If you have any ideas, any at all, put them in a review or PM them to me. Of course, this is only the third person and you aren't expected to know who everyone else is yet, but still. Something to keep in mind.**

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**Simon**

I yawned and stretched, opening my eyes. Then I stopped, propped up on my elbows, and stared at the decorative canopy hanging over my bed.

_That's strange,_ I thought, _I didn't remember that being there._

I sat fully up in bed, rubbing my eyes. As I rested my hands back on the mattress, I noted: it's _silk._

Since when was my bed made of silk?

When I looked down to investigate, I noticed that my bra was made of silk, too.

And that's when my brain stopped operating.

After a while of deliberately not thinking, I came to the only conclusion possible: I was dreaming.

Of _course_ I was dreaming. There was no logically explainable reason for me to have any reason to need a bra, unless I were dreaming. I gave a sigh of relief, and proceeded to get out of bed.

This seemed to be a really _realistic _dream. In dreams, you're kind of... detached. Either you're watching yourself from third person, or the setting doesn't look remotely like anywhere you've been regardless of wherever it's supposed to be. But I felt in full control of my actions, and not the least bit detached. Also, the setting looked very remarkably like Inara's shuttle.

I read somewhere that dreams are a subconscious way of either sorting out your problems, bringing problems to your attention, or possibly just a way for you to fly without breaking any laws of physics.

I definitely hoped being female doesn't have anything to do with any problems or... _desires_ of mine, and I didn't try but I just knew I couldn't fly.

So, I have ruled out the dream possibility.

But wait... I'm _female?_

I stood up fully from bed, my heart pounding. It must be a dream. Who cares how realistic it is or whether I can fly! It's the only explanation. People don't... gender-change overnight!

I had a sudden want for a mirror.

I was sure there was one in here. This _was_ a girl's room, after all. I looked on the wall, under couch pillows, and finally found one on the table. I took a few deep breaths before picking it up.

I looked at my face first, for reasons unknown. I stared at the mirror as my brain, once again, stopped working. I didn't know it could do that, but then again I've never turned into... Inara.

_What the hell?_ was my most coherent thought as I stared into the mirror. Inara's face stared back at me, and I was locked in her gaze. I reached up one hand to feel my face, and so did she. Something about that was unnerving.

I remained, standing, my brain frozen and my gaze locked. I had no idea for how long.

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Hmm... There seems to be a button here for you to press...


	4. Kaylee

**Kaylee**

Usually, when I woke, I was very groggy. I had to turn my brain on manually every day before doing anything else, and then I had to drink Inara's tea before fully functioning. But today, when I woke up, it was like I had been up for an hour already. I just sat up, rubbed my eyes, yawned, and that was that. I was awake.

The first thing I saw was River. She was staring at me with the strangest look on her face. My expression switched to concerned as I got out of bed and kneeled to be at eye level with her. "What's wrong?" I asked, hardly even hearing my own voice.

Her eyes widened as she backed away. "River?" she asked confusedly.

"River, honey, what's wrong?" I asked again, standing up. Wait a minute, something was wrong... River was supposed to be taller than that...

Maybe I was supposed to be shorter.

Where was I, anyway? I looked around. I was definitely in a bunk, but one bigger than mine and completely under-decorated. It looked like a Captain's quarters.

"That's not River," she whispered to herself, looking down. She thought for a while and looked into my eyes. "Well, then, who are you?" she asked frankly.

"What do you mean, 'who am I?' What's wrong?" Then, finally, I was alarmed. My voice...

"Well, if you're in my..." She let her sentence drift off when she looked up at me. I put my hand on my throat, barely hearing her.

It turned out to be bigger than I remembered. River was watching me, the remnants of her sentence hanging in the air. Feeling all around my neck, I realized there was no hair behind it. Reaching up, I did feel hair... really _short_ hair. Did someone cut my hair overnight? Why would they do that?

I went over to the mirror to investigate, and gasped. I almost fell over backward so I stepped back, trying to regain my balance, and almost tripped over the bed.

Captain... I was the _Captain!_ Mal! Me! What... who...

I looked over at River, as if she were responsible. "What...?" I asked. I was going to end the sentence with "happened," but it didn't quite make it.

"It's..." she started to say, but changed her mind. "Who are you?" she asked instead.

"River, it's me," I said, then realized -- I'm the Captain. Saying 'it's me' would make her think... why did this even happen...?

"It's... I'm Kaylee." Mal's - oh, god, I'm _Mal -_ his voice felt strange coming up my throat, and it sounded even stranger when I voiced those words.

River had a sharp intake of breath. "Kaylee?" What had been a kind of anger or frustration on her face changed to surprise, with a touch of concern. Her eyes widened.

"River, what..." She shook her head.

"Kaylee, I... I'm sorry this had to happen to you." She took my hand.

"It's not your fault," I barely was able to say. I could hardly even believe what we were talking about.

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around my waist.

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**This is the third chapter I've uploaded tonight. Jeez. Well, whenever I get any kind of feedback, be it positive or negative, and if I have the next chapter, then up it goes! I guess I'm just on the computer too much.  
Well, actually, today I watched the new Doctor Who episodes - Fires of Pompeii, Planet of the Ood, and the first five minutes of The Sontaran Strategem. I'm not allowed to watch the rest, even though I can, without my dad. XP**

Oh and if anyone is a Doctor Who fan, anyone at all, 1. say so in your review, and 2. check out R0S3 TYL3R.


	5. Inara

**Inara**

I almost fell off of the bed as I tried to swing my legs over the side. They were a heck of a lot heavier than I last knew, and they were very uncooperative. I managed to stand up, and I noticed my whole... _everything_ was a lot heavier than I last knew. I was very much _not_ graceful. Something was very, very wrong.

I looked at my arm, and let out a strangely deep cry of alarm. It was big, kind of ugly, and _hairy._ "What the hell?" I asked myself, and I heard Jayne's gruff voice instead of my own.

I rushed over to the mirror, and saw what I thought I would see: Jayne. I had no idea what happened, how it happened, or why I seemed almost as calm as I would have been if I expected it, but I did know, for a fact, that I was stuck in Jayne's body.

"Crap."

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**Sorry I didn't update yesterday. My internet didn't decide to like me.  
Oh and sorry for the short chapter. Inara's pretty smart, so there's not much to write.**

**Will update soon!**


	6. Wash

**Wash**

I woke in Zoe's arms, like I do every day. I smiled and snuggled closer to her. She was still asleep. I ran my fingers through her hair as I hugged her.

Wait a second... that wasn't Zoe's hair!

I opened my eyes, and let out a loud, but short, yell. I nearly fell out of bed. My yell awoke the person, whoever it was, that I had been hugging a second ago. He sat up in bed, ruffled his blond hair, looked at me, and smiled.

_What the hell...!_

I nearly tripped over the sheets in my hurry to get out of the bed. That person, the one with my face and my hair and my ruggedly handsome arms, laughed at me. I felt my face get red hot, and I was faced with three questions. Who is that, why is he wearing my face and why... just _why?_ And how? And..

And if that's me, and there's only one of me, then where am I...?

"Kaylee?" I heard someone ask, and I jumped, snapping my head in their direction. It was Kaylee, wearing her pajamas and looking at me with a strange look on her face.

"Kaylee, how did you..." I stopped in the middle of my question, reaching my hand up to my throat. My voice... "Wha- hey-" I tried to say, but my voice was different. Familiar, but different. Zoe...?

Kaylee walked over to me. "Wash?" she asked, rubbing my arms in that comforting way only Zoe seemed to master.

I looked over at her. "What are you doing?" I asked her abruptly. Apparently I was grumpy, besides the fact that either there were two of me or I wasn't me at all.

Kaylee put her arms down, looking a little hurt. "You _are_ Wash, right?"

"Of course I'm Wash," I said, and my voice problem started to really annoy me. I looked over at the man in the bed, who was watching both of us with an interest equivalent to that of a viewing audience. "Or, at least, I thought so."

"Honey," Kaylee said, and I looked over at her, a questioning look on my face. "It's me, Zoe." She said it softly, as if I would understand more easily if she did.

I did understand, as much as I understood anything at this point, and I looked again at the blonde guy who was still watching us like a favorite wave-show. "Who's he?" I asked, pointing. Kaylee turned and raised her eyebrows, apparently noticing him for the first time. He seemed so detached from the situation that I was surprised when he responded.

"Names are just labels on the package," he said, attempting a certain level of eeriness but not quite catching it, "It doesn't really tell what's inside."

Now, talk about avoiding the answer. If I had wanted a riddle, I would have asked River.

Kaylee took a step toward him, as if trying to get a closer look. "River?" she asked. He shrugged.

"Wait, wait, hold on a minute," I said, gripping the bed sheets that were still wrapped around me, "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand, sweetie?" Kaylee asked.

I motioned around with one hand. "Everything! Why are you Zoe, why is he River, what's wrong with my voice and why do I have breasts?!" I said this all fairly quickly and in one breath. River-man started to snicker. Kaylee put her hand on my shoulder.

"We've switched bodies," she said slowly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Look at yourself!" she said, motioning at me standing with my sheet. "You're me! You're Zoe!"

I did as she said, and found that, yes, I was indeed Zoe. What a strange thing to realize.

"I'm Zoe, but I look like Kaylee," Kaylee continued, "And that's probably River." She looked over at the Wash-looking person still in bed, and he grinned.

"But... why?" I asked stupidly.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Kaylee said, shrugging, "And River probably has a guess better than the both of ours, but probably won't share it. Do you think the rest of the crew is going through this?"

"Well, at least Kaylee," I said, looking around. It was the first smart thing that I said all morning. I spotted the drawer where we kept our clothes, and suddenly remembered I was practically naked. (Zoe insisted on putting on underwear every night right before falling asleep.) I began to walk over to it. I was about to drop the sheet, but felt very aware as both Kaylee (I mean, Zoe?) and that guy (was that River?) were watching me.

"Do you mind?" I asked them, and Kaylee rolled her eyes at me but left anyway. I threw jeans and a t-shirt at the River person and he - she? - got dressed quickly under the sheets and threw me a creepy smile before climbing up the ladder. I didn't know exactly what to wear, so I put on my own clothes (blue jeans and an aloha shirt) and followed the other two.

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**To offset the previous chapter, I made sure this one was nice and long! Okay, well, actually, it just kind of turned out that way. Only two chapters until you guys start the writing!**

**Seriously though. I can't even think of _why_ they switched other than maybe some kind of strange space cloud.**


	7. Jayne

**Jayne**

I got out of bed, yawning and stretching my arms. I made my way over to my sink and mirror.

"Aah!"

I had hit a wall.

I finally opened my eyes, blinking. _A passenger dorm? That ain't right._ I shook my head and walked into the hallway, or I was about to before River ran past, nearly running into me.

"Watch where you're goin', crazy girl!" I called after her, my voice a hair lighter than I remembered.

Then the unexplainable breeze drifted past that seemed to follow anything that moved quickly, and I shivered. I realized I wasn't wearing a shirt. I didn't remember taking off my shirt before going to bed. Then again, I didn't remember a lot of things.

I went back into the passenger dorm, as if hoping to find some kind of indication of my reason of being there. I sat on the bed without really looking for anything, propping my elbows up on my knees and looking down, my hands holding onto my hair. As I did this, I saw something I wasn't expecting to see. Something surprising, and kind of scary.

I saw _feet._

I have nothing against feet, as a whole. They're pretty useful, they're an awful weak spot to shoot at, and sometimes they can be real cute, like a baby's.

But when they ain't your feet, but they're attached to your legs, you got yourself there a problem.

_But wait, those ain't my legs, neither!_

I stood up quickly, my eyes locked on my feet. My legs! What happened to my legs? _And_ my feet?

I didn't know where to go. I headed out of the room, and some kind of reasoning in the back of my head coupled with the random wanderings of my feet (my _strange_ feet) ended up with me standing in the infirmary, shivering.

I didn't know exactly what I was doing in there, but I knew I needed some kind of drug to fix either my feet or my eyes. Shuffling through the drawers, I had no idea what I was looking for, and finally sat on the patient chair.

"What the gorram hell am I looking for?" I asked myself out loud.

Now I _knew_ something wasn't right. In the morning, my ears tended to be not so much working as normal, but they only took a few minutes to get up to speed. Just now, I knew my hearing was just as fine as any day, but the voice I heard didn't quite sound like the voice I'd come to know and get used to.

Actually, it sounded kinda familiar...

I felt my throat, flexing my mouth and jaw. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a long metal pan with a gleaming reflective surface. Leaning over, I grabbed it with one hand (Wait a second... I could've sworn I had manly hairy arms...) and brought it over to my face.

"Oh," I said, as I looked into it. As it turned out, it wasn't a long metal pan with a reflective surface. It was a Capture. Well, it must have been, because all it showed was the doc. He was looking directly into the lens, and he had a weird scowl on his face. I watched to see if he did anything.

Nothing happened. All he did was stare at the Capture. I propped my chin up with my hand, and finally saw his first movement: propping his chin up with his hand. I furrowed my brow in confusion, and so did he. Then I waved at the pan, poked my face, poked the pan, and pulled my hair. He did the exact same thing as I did at the exact same time.

"That's weird," I said, and his mouth made the movements to say it. "That's- w-" I tried to say, but the doc in the Capture mouthed the same exact things. "Stop doing that!" I yelled at it, standing up. For a second I was a little shocked. In the Capture, the doc had yelled the same thing, his face a scowling combination of confusion and frustration. I was a little shocked because I didn't know he had that much emotion in him that wasn't at all related to that moonbrain sister of his.

I threw the Capture across the room, and it made the sound a long metal pan with a reflective surface would make when it hit the wall and the floor.

Not knowing what to do, I sat back down on the chair, my hands on my knees. What a strange Capture recording.

Or...

My brain produced what could have been considered an answer if it had been possible. Looking over to the Capture, I let my brain think. I didn't do this often. It actually kinda hurt.

I walked over to the Capture and picked it back up. Once I thought about it (ow) it didn't really seem like a Capture. It was a lot bigger than they normally were, when I moved it the picture changed like a mirror would, and it made a strange metallic sound when I flicked it.

It took a lot of work, a lot of time and the amount of sting often involved with a sharp slap on the face, but I worked out the only possible solution. I hardly even know how I did it, but I do know that when things started to click, I wasn't happy.

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**Someone brought something pretty important to my attention that I forgot to tell you guys about. This story takes place before Serenity, before Inara leaves (although she started packing) and after Book leaves. So, basically, when you get right down to it, I don't know squat about Book's character, so I don't feel comfortable writing him in a fanfiction.**

**I apologize if he's your favorite character, and I understand if you don't think this fanfiction is interesting anymore (that's how I'd feel if they took out Wash). I just thought I should tell you before you get dissapointed.**


	8. River

**River**

The sad part was, I already knew it. I already knew that it was Wash who would wake up in front of me, not Zoe. I knew that it was Zoe who would come in, not Kaylee. I already knew where everyone was, and I didn't get to have to guess.

Wash yelled, nearly falling out of bed. It made me wake up. Blinking, I sat up. I ran his fingers through his soft blond hair, and smiled at him. It must have creeped him out, because he was in a hurry to get out of bed, gathering sheets around her body like a protective blanket. He was funny - I laughed.

Her face got warmer and I could tell he was blushing.

"Kaylee?" Zoe asked from across the room. Nice. I didn't even hear her come in.

"Kaylee, how did you..." Wash started. I watched him as he reached up to her throat. "Wha- hey-" he said. Zoe caught on quick, and walked over to him.

"Wash?" she asked, rubbing her arms.

"What are you doing?" Wash snapped at her. This surprised Zoe, and she lowered Kaylee's arms.

"You _are_ Wash, right?" she asked, for clarification.

"Of course I'm Wash," Wash said, placing an annoyed tone in her voice. He looked at me, and I smiled back. "Or, I thought so," he added.

"Honey," Zoe said, "It's me, Zoe." I almost had to laugh. Zoe was smart, but it was taking a while for Wash to get any brighter.

For a few seconds they stared intently at each other. Wash looked at me again after a while.

"Who's he?" Wash asked, pointing at me. _Not nice to point,_ I thought. Zoe turned to look at me, raising Kaylee's eyebrows.

"Names are just labels on the package," I said, hearing Wash's voice for the first time from between his ears. "It doesn't really tell what's inside." The strange way I talk, which I do notice, didn't seem to fit right with Wash's voice.

Zoe took a step forward, leaning toward me and squinting. "River?" she asked. Zoe is very smart.

I shrugged, which was basically a yes.

"Wait, wait, hold on a minute," Wash said, making Zoe's knuckles white from gripping the bed sheets so tightly, "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand, sweetie?" Zoe asked.

I giggled a bit to myself as Wash managed to remove one hand from the sheets as he gestured around the room. "Everything! Why are you Zoe, why is he River, what's wrong with my voice and why do I have breasts?"

He was nearly panting when he finished and it took everything I had to stop from breaking into a sidesplitting laugh. Wash could be so obtuse.

"We've switched bodies," Zoe said, slowing Kaylee's voice as if she were talking to a little kid.

"What do you mean?" Wash asked. I don't know if Zoe rolled her eyes. I could have made that part up.

"Look at yourself!" Zoe said, gesturing at Wash in her body. "You're me! You're Zoe!"

Wash opened the sheets a little to peer through them.

"I'm Zoe, but I look like Kaylee," Zoe continued, "And that's probably River." She looked over at me, and I grinned.

"But... why?" Wash asked, defeated by logic.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Zoe said, shrugging, "And River most likely has a guess better than the both of ours, but probably won't share it. Do you think the rest of the crew is going through this?"

"Well, at least Kaylee," Wash said, and I realized it was the first smart thing he had said all morning. After a pause, I watched as he walked over to the dresser and looked back at me and Zoe.

"Do you mind?" he asked, motioning at the ladder. Zoe climbed it, and despite the fact that the only other person in the room was the person whose body I was occupying, I decided to stay under the sheets. After all, all I was wearing was underwear. He threw me a comfortable outfit, and I quickly put it on under the sheets. I jumped out of bed, stretching a bit as I walked past Wash. I threw him a creepy smile before joining Zoe in the hallway.

I walked over to her, liking the fact that I wasn't so short anymore. She looked at me sideways through Kaylee's kind face, and I could tell she didn't like anything about what was happening.

I knew what she was going through - having seen over half of today yesterday - and tried not to make it hard for her. I threw her a grin, making sure it was one that Wash never used. I threw in some eye-widening for good measure, just to make sure that my expression looked out of place on Wash's face.

She leaned away from me a bit. I would try today to act very un-Wash, just to make everything that much easier for everyone else. If I wanted to, I could act _very_ Wash, and pretend that I was the only one who hadn't switched bodies or something, but that would be very mean.

I turned away, not really having any reason to wait for Wash to finish getting dressed, and headed down the hall.

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**This is the last chapter that I've written. What should happen in the next one? Well... I guess I could write the next chapter... I just have a serious writer's block problem. Any and all ideas appreciated!!**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	9. Being River

**Disclaimer:** all belong to Joss.

**Author's Note:** I felt the need to put a Disclaimer because I hadn't updated this in a while. And I apologize - I really do! - for making you all wait so long, and thanks for all the great ideas! My muse just caught her eye on Psych and wouldn't let me get back to Firefly for a while. But I'm already working a few chapters ahead on this one, so you have more to come. Don't worry, I'll post at least another two chapters before I let this one rot again. (I want to try not to let it rot at all, you understand.)

**Mal**

"Mal! Kaylee!"

Wash stood suddenly in my bunk, where I still held Kaylee. He grinned at us.

"Wash?" Kaylee asked in my manly voice, furrowing my brows over my eyes as he came over to hug us.

I noticed something didn't look right with his face. The way he was holding it...

"Nope," he replied to Kaylee, waving at us before leaving the room.

"Weird girl," I muttered to myself, walking towards the ladder.

"What?" Kaylee asked.

I turned around. "River," I motioned with my thumb. "I don't think I'll ever wrap my mind around that brain of hers." Then I paused to think. I was, at that moment, physically wrapping my mind around that brain of hers...

"That was Wash," she said, looking down at me. A lot down.

"No, it was..." Why did I think it was River? Was it something he said? I shook my head. "Thing this big calls for a crew meeting. Throw a shirt on and get to the dining hall." As I headed up the stairs, I saw Kaylee out of the corner of my eye, blushing as she realized she indeed was not wearing a shirt. That blush did not look good on my face.

I saw Zoe sitting out in the hall, watching me. I blinked, and she turned into Kaylee. I stopped and turned to her, focusing my eyes - it was, indeed, Kaylee. She raised an eyebrow at me, looking strange without a smile across her face.

"Meeting. Dining hall," I told her, motioning with my thumb before proceeding, shaking my head. I walked, head in my hand, the rest of the way to the mess.

"Morning," a gruff voice greeted. I turned to see Inara making- no, Jayne, making tea. I tilted my head at her. It looked like Jayne, but...

I shook my head again, something that seemed to be happening frequently. "Morning, 'Nara." I sat down at the table, holding my head in my hands.

"What did you call me?" Jayne's voice asked, surprised.

"I called you Inara," I sighed.

"Why?" she asked. "Any normal person would call me Jayne."

"Do I look like any normal person to you?" I asked, a hint of laughter in my voice. "Even in my normal state, I ain't barely a person by your standards."

Jayne's voice sounded weird when it was breathless. "Mal?"

This was the point in which Kaylee decided to enter.

"And here I am," I said.

Seeing my face again reminded me of this situation. How weird it is, how unexpected, scary, strange - a ton of emotions suddenly hurled themselves at me all at the same time. And I couldn't handle it.

Why couldn't I handle it?

Trying to hide my face from Kaylee and Inara, I jumped up from the table and jogged from the room, the metal walls of my ship zipping past. I didn't stop running until I was in a passenger dorm, where I sat on the bed.

I suddenly broke into hysterics. Tears were drowning my face. I was so _scared,_ so _worried._

Why was I gorram _crying?_ I'm a Captain! I've learned to ignore things such as pain and fear, for the better of the crew. So why couldn't I now? Why was everything so hard to ignore?

I saw a pillow through my blurry tears, and promptly punched it with River's scrawny arm.

I heard a clanging from the nearby infirmary. I wanted to check it out. But... I didn't want any of my crew seeing me like this. I couldn't understand. I needed to calm down before I -

My mind was suddenly filled with an image of Jayne hurtling a pan across the med bay.

I blinked. I _know_ I didn't make that up. It was like a vid that I just watched, replaying it in my head, but I hadn't seen a vid about Jayne throwing things. I was so confused that I didn't even notice when my tears subsided.

"River?" I heard my manly voice call, but not in its usual annoyed tone. I was suddenly scared - deeply afraid, of Kaylee seeing me like this. I looked around frantically for something to hide behind. I remembered that I was River's size and, unable to stop myself, crawled under the bed.

"Mal?" Kaylee called again, softer, entering the room. I held my breath, tears still sliding silently down my face. When would I get comfortable enough to face the others? Why wouldn't the tears just _stop?_

I closed my eyes and focused on calming down, shrouded in the dark. I lengthened and deepened my breaths until I was nearly meditating. I could still feel the tears slipping down River's cheeks. It wasn't enough.

I tried to ignore my fear. I put real conscious thought into it. I even thought up reasons not to be afraid - "it's all gonna work out anyhow." But it only pressed harder. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to feel fear, had to, couldn't ignore it, but I didn't necessarily have to _act _on it.

The urge was so_ strong..._

The fear pushed tears against my closed eyelids, it grasped my heart and squeezed, it pounded against my ribcage - but somehow, I managed to swallow, take a deep breath, and stop the tears. The fear was still there (Oh, _God, _it was still there) but I managed somehow to keep it from my face.

Kaylee had gone by then. I took a breath and a tear almost leaked out, but I stopped it somehow. I slowly rose from my position under the bed, took two deep, shaky breaths, and headed to the med bay, the closest room that I could think of off the top of my head that had an active comms unit.


	10. A Bit Slow

**Author's Note:** Wow, I honestly thought I uploaded this. I apologize!! I'll make it up by uploading the next chapter in a few minutes.

* * *

**Jayne**

I could hardly wrap my brain around it. I don't even know how I gorram thought of it.

I was wrong. That's what it was. The only explanation that seemed like it fit that I thought up was completely and totally wrong. I sighed. What a relief.

Then, River walked in. She looked like she was focusing extremely hard on something. I furrowed my brow at her as she walked over to the comm.

"Crew meeting in the dining hall," she said into it, the sentence ringing loudly through the ship, and hung it back up. "Jayne," she greeted on her exit.

I shook my head, glad that I realized that I was wrong. Imagine that - walking into the mess and tellin' people I switched places with the crazyboy doc. They'd have me committed. Hell, _I'd_ have me committed.

With this good feeling in my head, I started over to my bunk for a change of clothes. Can't believe I fell asleep without a shirt - makes me feel like maybe I had a girl over the last night but couldn't remember.

* * *

I walked into the mess hall, humming, being the last one there. Someone was doing something in the kitchen, but there was foodstuffs on the table, so I just grabbed some and sat. I propped my feet up on the table and slowly came to the realization that people were staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Simon?" Mal asked me, a scary look of concern cloudin' his however-already-wussy features. I furrowed my brow at him and took another bite of... foodstuffs.

River stepped up in front of us. What was she doing? She still had that concentrated look on her face, as if she was tryin' to will something into existence.

"I don't have to tell you why I called this meeting," she said in a calm, strained way. I stopped mid-chew and glanced at the Captain. River called this meeting? Why? And why was Mal just sitting there lookin' at her? "And I don't have to tell you that I'm..." She hesitated, taking a deep breath but still staring at some unknown point. "Your Captain."

And Mal just sat there!

"You gorram kidding me?" I asked loudly. "You're just gonna sit there an' let her say that?" I looked at Mal.

"Jayne?" River turned her gaze to me. "You bein' a bit slow this morning?"

"What about you?" I asked, turning to the rest of the table. "Why are you people lettin' this moonbrain stand up there like that? What happened to our kinda-okay captainy system where Mal told us what to do and Zoe told us how to do it? Where does Crazy Girl figure in?"

The person who was in the kitchen emerged from the kitchen. All memory of whatever it had been that I was yelling about melted away as the smallish size of my brain contained the one thought it was able to. And I have no idea how it was able to do it. My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened. I was staring at me.

As in, _me _me. The good ol' Jayne Cobb. Smelly clothes and stubble. And a mug of tea.

Subtract the mug of tea. Mugs of teas and Jayne Cobb don't mix. Not ever.

"Now that we're all caught up," River began, annoyed, "Let's get to the problem at hand." She paused, regaining something as she stared at the back wall. "We all know that something's happened. We don't know how or why, but in the 'verse life is tricky and this is just another trick. We've gotten out of rougher scrapes."

_Goh se bie dio-se._ River was sounding more like a leader and less like a half-phrased maniac.

"But before we can do anything," she continued, "we've got to know who we're talking to." She glanced at each of us, something odd happening with her breath, before returning her gaze to that fixed point.

I glanced around the table. I noticed first off that Kaylee wasn't smiling, then that Wash was, in a really creepy way. I stared at me. Mr. Jayne Cobb stood just outside the kitchen - with _tea_ - watching River. I'd swear he was me if he was a mirror, but he wasn't. I had checked.

"Wait, I don't get it," I spoke up, "Why're there two o' me?"

"There ain't," Kaylee said impatiently in her sweet voice.

"Yeah, there he is, right over there." I pointed at him, and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not you," he said simply. In my voice. My manly, husky voice. I stood up from the chair. "And what happened to my voice?" I asked the table, remembering its strangely high pitch. "Is this 'mess with Jayne Cobb' day?"

"Where's Simon?" River asked suddenly, ruining my one-sided shouting match.

"What?" Mal asked, "He's..." The Captain motioned at me. I glared at him, clutching my foodstuffs.

"No," River shook her head and took a breath. "Inara. Where's Inara?"

"I'm Inara," other-me helped. I stared at him, as well as Mal, Kaylee and Zoe. Wash let out a giggle.

"No, that's not what I mean," River said, still staring ahead. "Your shuttle! He's in your shuttle."

Kaylee looked like she realized something. "Why is he till there?" she asked.

"Maybe his doctor-size brain couldn't take the change," River replied with a smirk. She turned to leave. "Anyone willin' to take part in the intervention, come with me," she called back. Pausing, she added, "Zoe, you better come, too."

Kaylee, Mal, and other-me got up and left. I looked at Wash and Zoe.

"Cap'n called you," I pointed out to her, thinking about her odd choice of clothing.

"No, he called Zoe," she replied.

I paused. "But you _are _Zoe," I said.

She laughed and shook her head. "I don't understand how your brain worked out the whole breathing thing," she mused.

I knew that was an insult, but I knew better than to hit Zoe. Instead I glared at her and took another bite.


	11. Intervention

**Author's Note:** This version's way better. I wonder who'll be able to tell me what I changed in this chapter.

* * *

**Simon**

There was a knock at the door. "Simon?" someone called. I recognized River's voice instantly.

"River?" I replied, wincing when I heard Inara's voice instead of my own.

River opened the door a little, poking her head through. "You didn't come to the meeting," she pointed out.

I had heard the announcement. But I couldn't go out to face them... not like this. "Why did_ you _call it?" I asked, wording the question that had been on my mind ever since I had heard it.

She chuckled. I paused - I had never, not once, heard River chuckle. Not like that.

"Let's just say you ain't the only one woke up with a bad case o' someone else." She stepped fully into the room. I stared at her. She would never say such a poorly constructed sentence - not in her right mind, anyway, and she didn't seem to be entirely loopy at the moment. I watched as she opened the door a little wider and let Mal into the room, followed by...

"Jayne?" I asked, surprised. I was glad that I had wrapped myself in silk comforter a good five minutes ago. I didn't want to imagine what he'd say to Inara in her underwear.

He shook his head. "Simon, it's me," he said, in his gruff voice, a strange look in his face. "Inara."

I blushed. "What?" I sputtered. Inara - Jayne?

Jayne's eyebrows creased with compassion. "Simon, settle down," he said calmly. "Take a seat." He motioned to the couch, which I gladly sunk into, gripping the comforter tightly around myself. I felt the color drain from my face - I was gripping it tightly around _someone_, at least.

Mal walked over to me, and instantly I was alarmed. He was... smiling? I cringed away.

"Nice to know that's the reaction I'd get from you if I smiled like that," River commented.

I swallowed. "What's going on?" I asked in Inara's voice.

Mal sat down next to me. "We all got swapped," he explained softly, kindly. "Don't know how or why, but we ain't who we think we are, not since this mornin'."

I looked at him incredulously. He was still smiling. What he was trying to say happened was beyond impossible, but the look on his face - and the feel of my own body being out of whack - made me reconsider. "Not... anyone?" I asked.

"Nope," Kaylee said from the doorway. She wasn't smiling. I stared at her. Kaylee always smiles. Always.

And Mal was smiling. He didn't usually. Not like_ that._

"Nnn," I said, unable to open my throat for a second. "Who - who are you, then?" I asked hesitantly.

Mal's smile warmed, somehow. "Name's Kaywinnet Lee Frye," he said, holding out his hand. "But you can call me Kaylee."

I made some kind of frightened, surprised gurgle sound and gaped at him. "You can't be serious!" I said, pulling the comforter tighter. I looked at River.

"Venture down to the galley if you want to meet the crew," she said, before turning to leave. "'Nara, help him get dressed. Kaylee, Zoe, come with me."

As I sat, frozen, Mal - or Kaylee? - left with Kaylee - or, not Kaylee - and River. Who must not be River, after all.

Jayne smiled warmly at me.

"I must be going insane," I said.


	12. Name Tags

**Author's Note:** Read my profile announcement. It's kind of important.

* * *

**Kaylee**

I worried about Simon as we made our way back to the galley. He might have a nervous breakdown or a panic attack - comes with bein' raised by the _bu-ti-tie de ma-niao_ you get on central planets.

Not to say Simon wasn't brought up good. He's real sweet and his heart's in the right place. But he's real soft when it comes to livin' on the Edge. Things like this happen all the time when you're not entirely within the law.

I looked down at myself. Well, things like_ this _generally didn't happen at all. Not that I'd heard of. There were some comedy vids I'd seen about this stuff, but just that... vids. Nothin' _real._ I mean, we woulda known if something like _this_ happened before... right?

Well, no use cryin' over it now. It's happened, ain't it, and we gotta think of a way out of it. And if we're stuck on what coulda been, we'll never get around to what still can.

And besides, it can be fun. Maybe.

We sat back down at the table, and I glanced sideways at who must be Jayne. He just... he looked _too much_ like Simon. Like Simon had developed the nasty habit of eating a protein snack with his hands while his feet were on the table. And scowling. I didn't know Simon _could _scowl, not like that.

River took Mal's place at the head of the table. "Right," she said, standing very still and avoiding everyone's gaze. "Anyone got paper or summat to write on?"

Jayne's voice came in through the hallway. "I brought stationery from my shuttle. Here." He threw a handful of paper on the table, along with some pens.

Something on the paper caught my eye. Each page was simple and white, but there was some kind of border. I picked one up. It was a real ornate kind of border; formal but cheery and unique. It made me smile.

"This is real pretty, Inara," I said, glancing at the figures, Jayne and Inara, that had just entered the room. I couldn't bring myself to look at either of them on their own; Inara was not Inara, but Jayne was. And I didn't know if I'd get used to that, ever.

Zoe stared at me openly as I smiled at the paper. "There's something wrong with that picture," she mumbled.

"Okay," River said officially, "Everyone grab a pen. We're gonna need some name tags."

_Makes sense. _I took a pen and wrote carefully on my nametag. This was gonna represent me, right? Well, I wanted it to represent _me._

I recreated the signature I'd practiced all through school whenever I was bored: Kaywinnett Lee Frye. It was real fancy and curly, but not unreadable. I didn't end up using it for applications and such, because it was too long and time-consuming to write, but I felt that this particular instance was appropriate. I looked over it again to make sure it was good. It was, there weren't any mess-ups or nothin'. But it still looked a little plain. So I drew a flower in the corner.

Now it looked good. Jayne-or, Inara, had already put some adhesives on the table. I took one and looked down at Mal's shirt - remembering, again, that I was Mal, which did creep me out however much I tried not to let it - and attached the name tag.

Having accomplished my task, I looked around at the rest of the crew. Jayne had drawn "Inara Serra" in practiced calligraphy on his - or, her - stationery. Wash wrote "River" in quick, yet perfect handwriting. Zoe wrote in a scrawl "Hoban Washburne". I stared at her for a bit, trying to imagine Wash in her features.

Simon, making a face at the stationery, wrote a nearly incomprehensible "Jayne Cobb" on his. I grimaced at the thought of Jayne being in Simon's body. It just weren't right.

Sitting next to him, however, was something I never thought I'd see. It was me, writing on a piece of stationery "Zoe Washburne". That was what threw off the entire thing. It could be kind of fun, it could be kind of neat, but then there _she _was - reminding me that it was a serious matter.

River had written "Cpt. Malcolm Reynolds" and taped it to her nightgown already, looking around at the rest of us. I couldn't imagine the Captain being River. They were so... opposite. River's scrawny little body didn't do much by the way of intimidation, neither, which was what Mal prided himself in.

Inara, who was really simon, looked really nervous. I put a hand on her - or his - arm, but she looked at me and stared, jerking her arm away. Then I remembered. I was Mal.

Me. Mal. I couldn't be the Captain, not if my life depended on it. I had learned that at Niska's complex. I was the cheery girl who stayed behind to tell everyone it was going to be alright. Not the tough leader who headed the job on land.

I was glad that we didn't have to play different roles, that Mal was the Captain, even when he's River.


End file.
